i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Welp...herpes.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
