you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
