Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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