I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Randomize
