I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
