The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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