my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
