there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
