My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
