Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
