After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
