I think I am morally bankrupt
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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