You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
