I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
