i just sold back the books i vomitted on
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
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