Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
