I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
