chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
