he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Randomize
