so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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