Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
