i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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