His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
