why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Randomize
