there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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