I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
