I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
