I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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