I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
