Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
