sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
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