If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
