So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
