i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
