just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
True strength comes from lack of pants
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
