I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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