I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
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