So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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