I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
