I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
