and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Randomize
