I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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