mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
