my phone needs a breathalizer
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
