I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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