Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
It was like getting head from an anaconda
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
