i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Randomize
