When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
