She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
You left your phone here
Wait...
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