i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
